I felt compelled to write this blog after spending a weekend away camping with friends and their offspring. We had loads of fun and a weekend in the country with the kids freely running about is sometimes what everybody needs. However we did leave feeling a little disappointed and embarrassed, by our inability stop our toddler from wreaking havoc. Our friends were very understanding, but it was clear who had the 'naughty child', the little unpredictable crazy firecracker. Sounds of children running barefoot in the grass giggling away were often interjected with screams and tears as my child had just pinched so hard in anger, or my favourite (I say in jest, head held in hands) was when my little girl suddenly bulldozed a little delicate, shy, minding her own business friends child to the floor. We once again left the scene with the possibility of not receiving another invite and at a loss of what to do.
My little girl is 2 and a half and would definitely be classed as 'lively'. She is no book worm, she doesn't sit for long periods of time dressing dolls or doing puzzles. Se likes to run, climb, jump dance and anything else which doesn't require sitting down. She has been like this since birth, sat up at 4 month, stood at 6, crawled at 7 and walked at 10 month and has been going full pelt ever since.
This is amazing and I'm totally proud of her in every way, however, but humph and I hate the 'but' pauses....the downside of having a child with this extra energy is when she's not running, jumping or hopping or is over excited she has an amazing amount of energy which needs to be spent, so spending any time in close proximity with other children where she has to behave, or indoors in a closed space with other babies was/is a challenge, for 'everybody'.
If not directed properly this energy often turns into aggression, which includes anything from biting, pinching, pushing, hitting and the latest pulling hair.
This started at 18 months, and we have tried a plethora of coping tactics, from naughty steps, to explaining 'it makes us sad', to taking away treats, positive reinforcement, you name it we've tried it! And before you say it, yes we did each one long enough each time and we have been consistent. And although a year later we are nearly out of this phase, frustratingly on certain occasions the 'Jackyll' rears it's ugly head! Being hungry, tired, overwhelmed, bored or lack of attention and of course the obvious one of being antagonised, all amplifies her naughty behaviour, but sometimes she just does it because, well she's a toddler and hasn't quite figured it all out yet.
I've read many blogs and articles back to front in desperation of these miracle management tactics, what you are doing wrong as a parent and the possibility of the psychological reasons why your child might do this, and although they help with the feeling we are not on our own, they do not deal with or mention how this makes the parents feel.
So here goes.. It's bloody awful, embarrassing and truly upsetting! If your child is not like this I'd like you to read this so you might not be so judgemental next time a child comes and clonks your angel on the head! Parents struggle with this behaviour and for the majority of the time it's not their fault.
At home we do not hit, pinch, bite or pull hair, and equally she has no sibling or cousins to blame for this. She however did pal up with 2 particularly lively boys at nursery, and has come home from nursery with bruises and bite marks from these boys. But I know my daughter and she can give as good as she can get and she still carried on playing with them.. so was this to blame? I'm just not too sure.. maybe it was a contributing factor, but we will never truly know.. I'd like to add she is now in a different nursery, and is still just as feisty... She also only goes to nursery for 3 days per week, and spends 4 days with me, so she gets plenty of attention, another box ticked off the long list of possible reasons!
My daughter has 2 sides angel and devil. She is loved by so many, she has an amazing comical personality, she wins the hearts of many as she so confident, she has an awesome smile and is so very affectionate and caring, however, she can also flip to the devil child with an urge to destruct without any warning whatsoever! I have left friends houses so many times as I've had to march her home, with us both in tears! I've had to hover over her like an eagle when she's close to small children just incase she get that urge to whack one of them around the face. I've had to apologise to new parents who look at me with total disgust as my little girl has just pushed their baby to the floor for no apparent reason. And I secretly think if there is any justice, when your precious baby turns into a toddler I hope they also cause mayhem so you know exactly what this feels like!
Sometimes I feel like I want to wear a t-shirt saying 'I'm trying here'. I do not beat my child, therefore this is not MY fault! Every child has a personality, if a child sits quietly reading and doesn't retaliate when whacked by a peer, people don't judge and say.. oo your child is a bit of a whimp!, have you tried roughhousing to toughen them up a bit?? No! people don't say that?? and why not! because it's rude! So why call my little girl a bully!?? Why give me the parent a dirty looks as if to say 'control your child'. Parenting is bloody hard enough without getting judged. As they say it takes a village to bring up a child.. tutting and giving dirty looks does not help!. The more people that explain to my child hitting is not nice and hurts the better! In fact it's a huge help because sometimes I feel like a stuck record and who wants to be continually telling their child off all the time when in social situations! The alternative is not to leave the house from the fear of what might happen if in a social situation, and frankly that would not be good for anybody! Especially not for my sanity..f
Also what makes it worse is I seem to be surrounded by children who are of the most laid back personality types you can ever get, so I sometimes feel like the only one.
However there was one day where I felt a huge relief after a discussion with a mum and I was once able to exhale with relief as her 3 year old was apparently so naughty she had resorted to half day sticker charts with you have made it through these few hours without a)hitting b)biting etc etc and she was a fantastic parent who had trained in mental health.. so yippee it wasn't my fault after all.. we just had alpha females!!
So for anybody reading this, please I ask a favour of all new parents, next time your little angel who's butter wouldn't melt get's pushed over at playgroup. Have some compassion for the parent, please don't judge, feel free to help out, because one day it might just be you!
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