Being the parent of a 'naughty' toddler.

I felt compelled to write this blog after spending a weekend away camping with friends and their offspring. We had loads of fun and a weekend in the country with the kids freely running about is sometimes what everybody needs. However we did leave feeling a little disappointed and embarrassed, by our inability stop our toddler from wreaking havoc. Our friends were very understanding, but it was clear who had the 'naughty child', the little unpredictable crazy firecracker. Sounds of children running barefoot in the grass giggling away were often interjected with screams and tears as my child had just pinched so hard in anger, or my favourite (I say in jest, head held in hands) was when my little girl suddenly bulldozed a little delicate, shy, minding her own business friends child to the floor.  We once again left the scene with the possibility of not receiving another invite and at a loss of what to do.

My little girl is 2 and a half and would definitely be classed as 'lively'. She is no book worm, she doesn't sit for long periods of time dressing dolls or doing puzzles. Se likes to run, climb, jump dance and anything else which doesn't require sitting down. She has been like this since birth, sat up at 4 month, stood at 6, crawled at 7 and walked at 10 month and has been going full pelt ever since.

This is amazing and I'm totally proud of her in every way, however, but humph and I hate the 'but' pauses....the downside of having a child with this extra energy is when she's not running, jumping or hopping or is over excited she has an amazing amount of energy which needs to be spent, so spending any time in close proximity with other children where she has to behave, or indoors in a closed space with other babies was/is a challenge, for 'everybody'.

If not directed properly this energy often turns into aggression, which includes anything from biting, pinching, pushing, hitting and the latest pulling hair.

This started at 18 months, and we have tried a plethora of coping tactics, from naughty steps, to explaining 'it makes us sad', to taking away treats, positive reinforcement, you name it we've tried it! And before you say it, yes we did each one long enough each time and we have been consistent. And although a year later we are nearly out of this phase, frustratingly on certain occasions the 'Jackyll' rears it's ugly head! Being hungry, tired, overwhelmed, bored or lack of attention and of course the obvious one of being antagonised, all amplifies her naughty behaviour, but sometimes she just does it because, well she's a toddler and hasn't quite figured it all out yet.

I've read many blogs and articles back to front in desperation of these miracle management tactics, what you are doing wrong as a parent and the possibility of the psychological reasons why your child might do this, and although they help with the feeling we are not on our own, they do not deal with or mention how this makes the parents feel.

So here goes.. It's bloody awful, embarrassing and truly upsetting! If your child is not like this I'd like you to read this so you might not be so judgemental next time a child comes and clonks your angel on the head! Parents struggle with this behaviour and for the majority of the time it's not their fault.

At home we do not hit, pinch, bite or pull hair, and equally she has no sibling or cousins to blame for this. She however did pal up with 2 particularly lively boys at nursery, and has come home from nursery with bruises and bite marks from these boys. But I know my daughter and she can give as good as she can get and she still carried on playing with them.. so was this to blame? I'm just not too sure.. maybe it was a contributing factor, but we will never truly know.. I'd like to add she is now in a different nursery, and is still just as feisty... She also only goes to nursery for 3 days per week, and spends 4 days with me, so she gets plenty of attention, another box ticked off the long list of possible reasons!

My daughter has 2 sides angel and devil. She is loved by so many, she has an amazing comical personality, she wins the hearts of many as she so confident, she has an awesome smile and is so very affectionate and caring, however, she can also flip to the devil child with an urge to destruct without any warning whatsoever!  I have left friends houses so many times as I've had to march her home, with us both in tears! I've had to hover over her like an eagle when she's close to small children just incase she get that urge to whack one of them around the face. I've had to apologise to new parents who look at me with total disgust as my little girl has just pushed their baby to the floor for no apparent reason. And I secretly think if there is any justice, when your precious baby turns into a toddler I hope they also cause mayhem so you know exactly what this feels like!

Sometimes I feel like I want to wear a t-shirt saying 'I'm trying here'. I do not beat my child, therefore this is not MY fault! Every child has a personality, if a child sits quietly reading and doesn't retaliate when whacked by a peer, people don't judge and say.. oo your child is a bit of a whimp!, have you tried roughhousing to toughen them up a bit?? No! people don't say that?? and why not! because it's rude! So why call my little girl a bully!?? Why give me the parent a dirty looks as if to say 'control your child'. Parenting is bloody hard enough without getting judged. As they say it takes a village to bring up a child.. tutting and giving dirty looks does not help!. The more people that explain to my child hitting is not nice and hurts the better! In fact it's a huge help because sometimes I feel like a stuck record and who wants to be continually telling their child off all the time when in social situations! The alternative is not to leave the house from the fear of what might happen if in a social situation, and frankly that would not be good for anybody! Especially not for my sanity..f

Also what makes it worse is I seem to be surrounded by children who are of the most laid back personality types you can ever get, so I sometimes feel like the only one.

However there was one day where I felt a huge relief after a discussion with a mum and I was once able to exhale with relief as her 3 year old was apparently so naughty she had resorted to half day sticker charts with you have made it through these few hours without a)hitting b)biting etc etc and she was a fantastic parent who had trained in mental health.. so yippee it wasn't my fault after all.. we just had alpha females!!

So for anybody reading this, please I ask a favour of all new parents, next time your little angel who's butter wouldn't melt get's pushed over at playgroup.  Have some compassion for the parent, please don't judge, feel free to help out, because one day it might just be you!

Morning Sickness, a Toddler and another bout of guilt!

I'm early days in my second pregnancy, 3 months to be precise.  My daughter is 2 and a half and an active little thing and for the past 8 weeks I have had the WORST morning sickness in the world (in my world anyway).  I'm glad to say I'm coming out the other end, every day thankfully it eases off.  But they were 8 long long weeks, and as my husband reminds me..for everybody concerned!

I had the same thing with my daughter and although it nearly put me off having another child, somewhere along the line whilst asleep, smurfs performed a frontal lobotomy and so I'd forgotten just how terrible I would feel. Whilst pregnant with my 1st at least I could nap when I wanted, I didn't have a small toddler hanging off me and I certainly didn't have anybody coming into the bathroom to give me a high five whilst talking into Gods telephone..yes that did happen. Bless her she had no idea what was going on.  All she knew was mummy was very poorly.

It's heart breaking as not only can you barely lift your head, you also become the most grumpiest person in the world and all I wanted to do was sleep. The past 2 months have provided a little upside for my daughter as her TV watching hours increased (which she loved!), if only to let me have 5 mins lay down on the sofa. But the human climbing frame, the spritely jump around dancing mum and the nutritious cook shop had closed for 8 weeks.. sign went up lights went off, much to her confusion and frustration. And I felt increasingly guilty as I was half the mum I usually was with a much shorter fuse.

I did interestingly find that gluten, dairy and eggs hugely affected my nausea and bloatedness, so these were cut out of my diet, which kind of made my holiday to France a little less exciting.. No French wine, no bread or cheese, and still full time nausea made Sarah a very dull girl. BUT as my workaholic husband was around, this meant our little girl was fully entertained and I could rest, thumbs up to that!

So as I'm approaching the 2nd trimester and that pesky placenta is finally taking over, I once again feel human. I'm trying to be a much better and entertaining mum, I'm trying to make up as much time as possible, before the beached whale look of the 3rd trimester and a new little sibling for my daughter to love, fight with and be jealous over arrives.

I have a feeling this whole new harder journey is just about to begin. Maybe my morning sickness was a blessing in disguise, a soft introduction to my daughter to be more independent. I'm sure having another baby will only awaken that ugly guilt monster again. Life is forever changing, new challenges are often thrown in your path and you have to deal with them, live and learn.  But when obstacles and changes are thrown in your child's path, it's natural to want to protect them. But I suppose this is another 'mum learning' experience. You change massively after your first, I suppose the change when you have a second just happens earlier!

My journey as a working mother and a relevant rant!

So my first blog was a bit of a rant.. apologies.. As all of you mums (sorry I don't know your names ;)) out there are aware.. there are just a few things that get on your goat.  Be it people touching your belly when pregnant or people calling your 6 month old girl a little boy.. it's just part and parcel of being a mum. Feels nice to get it out though!

Actually I lied, rants not totally over.. I have another one.  Don't go stay tuned this is my relevant rant!  Relevant as it's currently in the media.  It's about being a working mum. Only recently have I opened my eyes to the world of earning a living through blogging and that is because I suppose I've always been very fortunate in my career I've never really had to think about flexible work.

Unfortunately 3 months into my last pregnancy my whole company became redundant due to a takeover... This was NOT ideal, my maternity pay..gone..I had terrible morning sickness and only 5 months left before the birth to make cash.  Looking for a job whilst pregnant, is well 'Mission Impossible'. However, I have to say I was extremely fortunate and managed to bag a consultancy job with the takeover company.. tick..sorted!! phew, swerved that one! Still no big maternity pay, but statutory was better than nothing!

So baby was born, I decided to take 11 months off (we all know it's not 'off' so excuse the expression) but after that time I wanted to get back to work.. as you might have guessed I'm an independent woman!  I craved a day without my baby badge and without a nursery rhyme, plus I wanted a cup of tea and I wanted to drink it all!!  Obviously there were other reasons to return to work but bla bla bla we all know these. But I didn't want to back full time, I still wanted to be very much involved with bringing up my daughter, I also wanted to bring money into the household.  Once again I was ridiculously lucky and managed to get a job with that same company 3 days a week..yey perfecto! It was a job I had 10 yrs prior, but I didn't mind, no pressure for a year meant I had a soft landing back into the workforce. That lasted a year, before the work dried up, but once again the heavens smiled.. another department needed my help, phew once more saved... That was until I got pregnant again....not good... For us great.. for my company.. not so happy..

Within 2 weeks of telling my boss (who was a woman) I was pregnant she terminated my contract that day!! Whoa!! slap around the face.. I'd been with that company for 8 years!!! and within a day.. that's it.. can you hand me your laptop and pass pls and I'll walk you to the door.. WTF!!!!
So my luck had run out once again 3 months pregnant and no job.. and as a freelancer I couldn't do one thing about it!

Not only had I been working at a job which was below what I had previously achieved because I wanted flexible work, but having another child was one step too far for the corporate world.

So here I am, turning to my social media business.. putting every effort in to make it work.. Writing this blog and even if nobody reads it, it's cathartic, like shouting your woes into a cave.  It gets the bad stuff out and makes room for new thoughts, creative and entrepreneurial plans.  This is my new journey and I'm going to work dam hard to make this happen! See ya corporate world, who wants a Thinkpad anyway!!

Losing Your Identity

Just 4 years ago at the ripe age of 34 I finally got married to my husband.  Upon being asked if I was going to change my name I hesitated, I deliberated and decided to avoid that question until the next time I would be backed into a corner with no way out.. or at least until I had a good think about it and time to get used to the possibility of a new name. My husband was quite happy with what decision I would take, however I was torn.. I just needed time.

It wasn't that I didn't want to take on my husbands surname it was more that I didn't want to give mine up. I had that family name for 34 years, my work my friends, my Facebook.. that's who I was.. and well, I was attached.. What if people search for me on LinkedIn, who would they look for??!! I was an independent strong women, self built, stubborn and proud! I was somebody!

Fast forward 4 years and I laugh at my troubled time! What was I worried about!! I obviously had no real concept of losing my identity! I'm not belittling my concerns of the time, those thoughts were real, they were ingrained in building up my personality, my career.. However from the moment you give birth, from the moment you pass your genes on to another little human being, it seems you also passover your identity and you become 'Mum'.  "This way 'Mum'", doesn't she look like you 'Mum', Hi (enter childs name) Mum".....aghhhh My name is not 'Mum' I am somebody.. I had a life before!

This of course is not to say I dislike being a mum, far from it, it's the most wonderful thing I've ever done, I love my daughter more than anything in the world and I do not begrudge her anything at all.  However that does not take away from the fact My name is not MUM!!!  Nearly 3 years has gone by, some people are just about learning my name, however now pregnant with my 2nd I can once again wave bye bye to my identity. So instead of getting annoyed, should I embrace it?..is it all about your offspring from now on, that was my purpose and my job is now done? (If this is the case I'm personally glad I waited to have children). For now I'm just biding my time, grinning through it, appeasing my inner self with the thought this won't last forever, I will one day get my identity and my name back. Just not any time soon, so Mums my name and for now I will wear it out!